.:K’s Inner Mind Theatre & Other Oddities:.

A few funny things for today..

HAHAHA.. ASS CASTLE.  I'm doing NOTHING today and it's freakin' wonderful!  A first in a looooong time!  Well, I have a lecture to attend for class that isn't mandatory..but I'll probably go anyways.  The best part about today is that I actually got some real sleep!  My insomnia mixed with school work out the ass hasn't been doing much for me.  The other night I can home after pulling my all nighter.. I slept for about 3 hours and woke up around 2 or 3 and just laid in bed awake the rest of the night.. it was aweful!   But- on the upside, I'm well rested now and taking it easy..soooo yay.

Hope everyone else is having a good day too!

<3,
Kersten ^^)

Some days I can't help but think:

Is there anywhere that I really belong?? It may just be my perspective that needs changing, but I feel like no matter where I go I seem to stick out, and it's not like my clothing, or something obvious like that.. I dunno, I can't really put my finger on it.  **I realize I'm probably just being sensitive today and therefore taking this out of context, but back home I never, never really felt like I fit Tulsa.  So far, I have been totally right about that fact!  I lived in Tulsa my entire life and have substantial roots there- family, friends, ect.  Tulsa just seemed to not have what I needed to really grow artistically and in the scope of life experience I def. think it hindered what I have always wanted and dreamed about. 

On the other hand, Savannah is beautiful and unique and like a little Art World Bubble- well, if you are a SCAD kid that is. I love it for this reason, and the location/opportunities so far have been awesome!  The weirdest part has been making close friends! I have a hard time even understanding what I might be doing wrong.  Am I approaching people the wrong way? Am I being too forward?  Am I not putting enough out there?  I really don't know!  It's fucking frustrating bc it isn't as if I'm not trying!  ughhh.  I'm not really sad about it, I'm just determined!! I want to make this place while I'm here the best experience I can- and I don't want to give up.  I just hope that at some point in time, if not in Savannah- then wherever I move to next that I really and truly find my place in this world- People and or person that I click with.  (At this point, I'm really hoping that there are aliens out there in the galaxy and that they come to Earth- maybe I'll fit in with them ;P  I kid. I kid.)   This is my theme for today and this past couple of weeks really:

I forgot how powerful LP used to be..well, and still is.  Chester is fucking incredible. I STILL have my best workouts to this cd!

 Still, I completely relate to this feeling he brings out in the song.  This anger of trying and seeming to fail each time and with each fall feeling the emptiness of those losses, that taste of rejection or being misunderstood or sometimes not being seen at all.  A constant search for that peace of mind and to feel a sense of wholeness. To be " known" and to be "understood" and most importantly to be liked because of these things, both the good and bad parts.  Of course, the opposite is just as important. I've never really cared much for acquaintances- they are good for networking/work situations, but who are those people really? They come and go so easily and never in that span of "friendship" do they ever really know me or I them?? For that matter, really care about me?  I for them??  Even in the sorority when I lived with 40 other girls that I call my "sisters," we were all friends, but I didn't feel close to most of them and truthfully I know they don't give a damn about me, not then, certainly not now.   I'd rather have a small group and/or a person that I know I can trust and really show myself to- underneath my humor, underneath my awkwardness, underneath it all- where just being is enough.  I want to be able to see this in someone else as well.  To be trusted and to see them completely- to be that support and that person that they know they don't have pretend to be happy around when they're not- it's ok to not be ok, ya know? Where things can be fucked up, your true opinions and most fucked up thoughts are safe to share and kept by that person/those people.  I want that in friendship.  I can only hope that I find it in Savannah and the sooner the better!  I hope to find friendship that strives to make each person better, is strong despite fights or distance or faults, doesn't care about status, is real, unabashed, forgiving, "just clicks" and best of all is fun! :)  Basically, a friend a lot like Casee. LOL  

Well on to the current Friend Issues:  George

George is really cool and I think he will be a really great person to know, the only problem is that I am pretty sure he really likes me <-- which totally blows! I want a good guy friend here in Savannah and at first that's what I thought was happening, but we went to see Zombieland Friday night and he insisted on buying my ticket and then bought popcorn and the drinks, that wasn't so bad (Erik and some of my other guy friends buying me stuff and it's no big) until I noticed today that every time I see him he tells me I look pretty. I don't know what to do with that except maybe let him down gently.  I have to be honest, I'm not looking forward to talking to him about it bc I love hanging out with him and don't want him to not want to hang out just bc I'm not interested in him like that. :L   I'm probably jumping the gun here, but he plays soccer twice a week outdoors with his friends and then plays indoor during the winter season and he said that we could start our own team which would kick SO much ass!!!!  Also, he already invited me to his friends Halloween party- which as of right now- I have NO plans! :(   Halloween is my family's favorite holiday, and this is the first year to be away from my parents and all the usual crazy family traditions.  It has been making me kinda sadface to even think that I might be spending Halloween sitting at home alone, which I pretty much refuse to let happen!  Sooo..hopefully if not George's party then something with one of the girls I already mentioned. 

What to do??  I just feel bad.  He has been treating me so great and has been filling the void of my best friends that I'm missing and the newest hole that Neena is leaving.  I mentioned that I wanted to go to a haunted house and carve pumpkins, but wanted a pumpkin from a pumpkin patch because it's so much more fun that way! lol.  I haven't had any luck though in finding a pumpkin patch anywhere and George told me today that he found one that we can go to on Tuesday and then also said that he knows of a great haunted house that we can go to later this week after we play soccer with his friends and after we carve pumpkins with my sister & Garrett!  <-- See!!  He's going to all of this trouble for me, it's obvious huh?  I feel like a douche!! In a way, I wish I were attracted to him- he would make the best/sweetest boyfriend, but nonetheless, not interested AT ALL like that. ...SIGH....

I don't want to mislead him and I want to maintain an awesome friendship, totally blows!   When should I say something?  Or should I not?

1) Start a new indoor soccer team with George or join a coed one for winter season.

2) Get a job!  <--I can't believe I still havent! dumb!

3) Run everyday!

4) Get to bed at a decent hour (unlike right now!)

5) work on my painting for my parents xmas gift

6) network!!

7) email and call the appraiser in South Carolina for apprenticeship

8) Check on weekend coming up getaway!

9) Buy a new bike seat to replace the stolen one! BTW, who steals JUST the seat??? It's not even anything fancy! wft?

10) Continue to work on not being awkward!! I dunno why I do it either! It's so stupid..I make things that shouldn't be awkward..unbelievably..well, AWKWARD! grrrr.  I think if I ever meet a guy that can make a situation that I started to accidentally make uncomfortable suddenly NOT uncomfortable with I dunno..a joke or something?  <- Yeah. LOL. I will say this.. Marry me?  Then, he will stare at me blankly and then we will resume to awkwardness again. hahaha.  jk. jk.  It is a problem though, and it has become second nature almost- it's a bad habit that I am working on breaking!  Guess I gotta stick to it! Such a dumb habit huh?? lmao.

11) Find a friend group!!  I never ever thought that this would take so long! It's bizarre! I get along with people great, I just haven't yet seemed to meet a group of people that I really, really, really click with. Ya know, the types that you just call up randomly to talk, go do something at the last minute, or call for advice.  I have a few good acquaintances (ie- Whitney, George, Diana, Kathrine, and Garrett; although Garrett I met through my sister)  that may turn into good friendships, but I dunno yet.  Neena and I haven't spent much time together, and looking back at everything I think it's for the best.  I really like her and think she's a great person, but with what happened it just made me see everything differently and I want to find other friends that will be better in the long run.   

There are more that were in my brain..I need to sleep bc I forgot them  =S   damnit. 

Tonight before the 10 drunken phone calls I received from back home and while doing homework haha..this happened lol:

playing around...

1 comment

break from doing homework

1 comment

Ok,Ok..I'm off to bed!  Good night world.

<3,

K

"It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep because my dreams are bursting at the seams"  <3 <3

This song makes me smile and want to go lay in the grass looking at the stars. ^^)

 All I'm gonna say is that being.. ehhhhh..frustrated is the fucking worst!  ...and school is kicking my ass!  Ummm..yep.  That's it.  I can't really concentrate today. Bad, bad thoughts swarming my brain.. go away..grrrrr  lol. Blahhhhh.  

 K

***This post accidentally turned into a word vomit/ self talk/ analyzing blob of thought..so it's random and not well written- go easy on me with spelling, grammar, and even the flow. How's that for a disclaimer?? ;) lol.

I know I get down and the last couple weeks have been kind of a roller coaster, but in the end I find things to stand on and keep my balance.  Although I can be negative, I find that something inside of me still burns, even against the rain.  I am usually too positive for my own good, but I think that is because I try my best to see the good in my surrounding and try to make the best of it.  Things maybe sucky and I may not have much say over what other people do or think or what outside things may happen, but I do have the power to decide which way I am going to take myself.  All I know is that I have this life, dreams, a soul that I can do anything with- and I don't want to let any of that go to the wayside. No matter how my heart my hurt, or what defeat I may face I have to believe that I can make the difference- I can stand tall against these things- not out of pride or self pitty, but out of desire to do the opposite; make the most out of life and to say that I've tried and that even if I bleed a little in the process, I actually faced them.  This is of course something that I have struggled with over time and I've made my share of mistakes because of it- fear mainly.  I think that it isn't all bad though, the hurts have def. made me see things different and have actually become motivators.

My classes now are reflecting this as they continue.  After working on this non-profit business plan, I feel that motivation internally.  I've really thought about it, and I've decided that I am going to try and keep myself from closing off like I tend to do.  How can I really experience life if I hide myself away?  How will I ever help others the way I want to if I live like that? How can I ever wholly experience/give?  Truly connect?  My heart is hurting- that's the truth, but I don't want to close it again.  Instead, I want to make this my chance to really be strong- to really put myself out there.  It won't be easy and I already know that I will make a shit tone of mistakes lol..but I am going to try.  This is a new start and it finally clicked that I need to do this..with friends new/old, family, business, the community, personal relationships, ect. Maybe I've been my own worst enemy and it's time to alter that.  In the past I've talked about service and helping others; I think if there is anytime that I can do this- it's now.  It's today.  It's tomorrow. My passion is intense and ready to be put to use- Hmmm... Where to start?  lol. 

Lets see..ideas:

Non-profit business plan
Art dealing business plan
art advocacy
volunteering??

Ugh.  I think I need to do more brainstorming.  I dunno!  This is such word vomit..but I feel like I talk SO much about myself and what I want..blah..blah..blah, but it really hit me today when I was working with my group on this project.  I think I would feel x10 better if I took half of the time that I spend worrying/bitching/ect. about myself and actually put my ideas into play.  I've talked about this in the past several times and I realize I probably sound redundant, but really I'm finally in a place where I can actually put the words to actions and that's becoming more real and empowering. This is kind of an unresolved thought process that I need to reflect and brainstorm with my group some more, but I think I'm on to something.  <--That already feels good.  :) 

This song has really helped me today, I keep playing it on repeat.  I think it's what started this blog post to be honest.  It just inspires me, and reminds me of  the good things and that it's never too late to make changes and that with hope, faith, love- being open, I can do so much- and I just have this feeling in my chest and in my stomach that this is where my true happiness will come from.  Giving.  I have so much to give and it's time to be brave and shut up and just do it. 

Ehhhh, I hope that I can keep this in mind among all of the daily bs type of stuff. DEEP BREATHES. lol.  Reminder: one day at a time. 

  Ok, back to work on my Adobe Illustrator project..  It is due tomorrow and I will probably be up ALL night once again and more than likely I will post a pic of my progress (if it doesn't totally suck) hahaha.  Here goes nothing...

<3,
K

Ps- As per usual, I tend to think that people don't really read my blog.  However, if you see it and maybe have some good advice or even ideas for projects I always love to hear other perspectives and opinions.   I've been blogging like crazy, but it seems to be once again one of the only things (besides hobbies) keeping me sane in my time of not knowing hardly anyone and not to mention, a great sounding board for my thoughts.  SO, If you even made it this far-  thanks! lol    

So last night went totally up in flames.  I mean, to say I was kicked in the stomach would be an understatement.  I don't know why this is happening, but I do know that it is definitely making me a stronger person- how could it not??  First I move here and know no one! Then heartache and now my friend completely shits on me.  What did I do to deserve this!! Why?  I don't understand any of it.  I'm so sick of feeling alone.  I don't want to go back to Tulsa, but being here at the moment is feeling like hell.  Just when things are getting better and looking good- everything goes to shit??!! I really don't understand.  I just want to understand.  I would do just about anything to have someone hold me, even for a sec. I want to escape this shit that I'm in right now. I keep trying, but I don't know when the blows will stop knocking me down.

   I can't help but feel sad. I just want this to stop.  Get back to good and as fast as possible. 

K

This past week has been pretty good.  I have:

-Gone running three times
- rode my bike once going again today and hopefully tom. YAY!
- School is starting to pick up more and I'm really excited about my first Abobe Illustrator assignment
- I have had subway three time in the past 3 days  lol
- I went out with Neena last night and have plans to go out with the Girls from my Arts Admin. program tonight and I  am REALLY excited!  NEW FRIENDS FINALLY!!  :D
- I've been working on my group project which is to build our non-profit. org. from the ground up and it is fucking awesome!  I live for this shit!  This week I have been looking at locations (which is a pretend thing for now) but its fun bc I get to go around and research best sites, square footage, pricing, ect.  Also, I'm doing all the budgeting and gofer work on what tools we will need, supplies, gathering our board of trustees, so many things.  I love it love it love it love love it!!  lol

I guess overall I finally am feeling like me again after the past couple of weeks of stress, ect.  It feels good to feel like I'm back on my feet and doing my workouts and meeting new people and painting, and loving school, ect.  I added some pics of my condo (that I really don't consider a condo bc its styled like an apartment, but whatever! lol  They are called "condos" here.. I'm not gonna rock the boat too much.. ;P)  I will probably take these down soon, but I really wanted my best Friend back home to see my place and I didnt want to post them on FB or Myspace, this is just more private which I like.

  I've also added pics of my Georgia Best Friend Neena!  I ADORE this girl!!  She is soooo laid back and fun and open minded!  We were def. meant to meet each other.  The past week or so I admit that I have been feeling down and completely not myself and I really don't know what I would have done without her.  She has been such an incredible support.  I really admire her because she doesn't judge people and she is such a great listener.  <3 <3

Reasons that Neena and I are Oddly alike and I love it! :

- both are obsessed with Trueblood
- Our favorite ice cream flavor is Pistachio- I don't know anyone else that loves Pistachio ice cream! CRAAZY. XD
- We love to try new things, always!
- We both love sushi
- We both have things in our homes/ wear things that belonged to our Grandmothers.  We both were carring our Grandma's purses from the fifties and realized it when we both simultaniously commented on the others clutch. LOL

There will be more of these I am sure.. but this is a great start to a fantastic friendship.  I'm lucky to have her has a close friend.

Ok, sooo I was thinking.. How about alittle humor?  For Friday?  Whhhhhy not! 

Not the funniest thing I've ever seen, but funny no less..

Oh, and I love this band!  Very much like YLHCSD  and this video cracks me up sooo.. twofer.

 Ok, more later! 

K
 

But. I felt like I needed to write. 

Yest. was probably one of the best days I've had in a very long time.  There was a point where I found myself purposely crashing/jumping into waves as they began to break and in that good half an hour while my hair along with my bathing suit where being sloshed in every direction, I felt a sense of complete happiness.  I thought, here I am in a place that I never dreamed I would be in and how lucky I am to be in it.  Sometimes I wish I could better convey what I mean.  It's the smallest things that seem to bring me the most fulfilling and inner peace.  The sun and the simplicity of being outside, the act of trying new  things and learning new perspectives from people of different walks of life.  I think it is days like yesterday that keep me going and remind me of who I am and what is really important to me- the things I want for myself in this life. 

Top of this list (not to be confused with THE list lol) :

1) Met the love of my life, my soul mate

2) Have my own family

3) Have my own business

4) Explore the world

5) Always live life with passion

6) Teach my children what is most important in life and be an active parent

7)  Own a non-profit organization that gives back in some way. Inspire someone else, teach them something, pass on what has been given to me over the years.

8) Know what it is to feel unconditional love
 
9) Make my Mom & Dad genuinely proud of me 

10) Live with humility, purpose, drive, love. Let my soul fly like a bird.

I miss my friends and my family. I'm down and I'm trying to pull myself out of the funk.  I mean, I'm not sad.. I'm just bummed because I'm a social person and I feel stifled only have a handful of friends.  I know it takes time and I'll get there, I'm just impatient.  Also, I feel like the shittiest daughter.  My Dad's birthday was yesterday and I was so busy with school that I didn't even remember to call him! Fuck I feel awful!

Tulsa, I don't really miss you, but the people I love that are apart of you, that's a different story.

 Neena and I are hanging out tonight and are apparently meeting up with some people that she met in her class, so hopefully that will help. I'm ready to socialize though! Wish me luck?? lol. siiiiigggghhh.

Kinda Sucky,
K 

PS- I think I could use some laughs, or many some good qoutes..anyways, if you read this and feel inspired to shake me of my said funk, please do.. I would love that greatly. ;)  lol