.:Kersten K:.’s blog

Well... I am finally back in action which is a nice change of pace..I was getting cabin fever from being in bed for so damn long.  LOL.  However, I had a really, really, really terrible weekend..specifically Sat. night. and I woke up Sun. feeling so light headed and weak that I couldnt even function fully.  I have been truely sick..but I have to admit.. something terrible happened on Sat.  Its odd bc of all places that I should feel comfortable to write these feelings.. I find myself terrified to even put them down.. ..probably bc it feels like I'm reliving it.  Ok.. I will remain somewhat ambigious..but OHMYGOD. It was horrible.  I cant say that enough.  Im not sure if anyone would understand what Im saying when I say this but.. have you even been somewhere and surrounded by people that call you their friend and all the while they are just using you for their amusement??  - "Here, lets take another shot" ...and worst.. you dont see it until.. things have gone too far- I mean.. you trust them!! ..and then its like the snap of a rope..you see hell in their faces...and selfish motives in their eyes.  It scared me. Really. really scared me.  I dunno.. I think about that night and I feel like nowhere is safe enough to run away.  No place is too far.  I could dig a hole into the earth and my burial would still be too shallow..they would dig me up and pin me to the wall.  Im no doll... im not your toy..you see pretty..and pretty to you is your intrusion..your right?  It will be awhile until I go back to OKC unfortunately...I can't get the disgust out of my mouth..and the pain in my chest to dull.  Petra and I are still very close of course and she has been such a great friend to me and so supportive- but I dont think she even really understands the levity of intrusion and belittlement that I felt- on her shoulder I cried forever.  

I cant talk about it anymore... now I want to go back to bed..lol.  I spent sometime with my parents last night..and talked to my cousin on the phone for about two hours..I dunno what i would do without them.  Their love.  Their support..their loyalty.. I am truely thankful for that much.

I'm just so glad its in the past..and now more than ever.. all I can seem to do..is focus on London.  I can't wait to get out of this place.

love,

K 

I can't explain it..but I am sooo infatuated with this song! LOL.   The lyrics are soooo poetic and at times.. you're like..perplexed with their thought process..but then again that's what makes it soo beautiful and unique.  Ugghh.. I just love music for this reason.. Its just like painting..you can transend that barrier that sometimes direct communication can built in its complexity-in its too narrow "direct-ness" lol.. bc when you see a painting..hear a song..read a poem it becomes so much more than what it is.. it becomes an endless sea of ideas, perspectives, emotions, imagination.. this stuff is what  I live for.   <3  Purely.

"Gemini Birthday Song"- by Why?

It starts with you
on a mattress in your parents' old room,
clipping your toenails into the room
like the room will fade
and you will move
onto other rooms
and you will go
to other places.
Then the wedding,
Then the woman passed out
in the driver's seat
at the order board at White Castle.
We woke her up and she went
'round to the pick up window
like she knew exactly where she was.
Then I wept
with my face in your night shirt,
trying hard as hell to say
"until death separates us,"
loosening the skin on your breastbone,
I painted your nails
and you sleep
while I write all this down.

There was a moth caught in the soapdish
laminated in lye
Will you still remember me well
If I don't get to two-o-o-five?
my dead line Gemini

When we're on different sides of the globe
I thought we'd keep our veins tangled
like a pair of mic cables,
And if there ain't enough slack to reach
that we'd solder them together
and across oceans they'd stretch.
Our faces reflected in separate windshields
and all our body hair pricked up
an elephant eyelash.
Should we be tempted by thief or saint
it seems I leave and you stay
to crawl the cage and curse.
But don't regret the done dirt,
there is no life plan set,
you just swallow the cold
and follow your breath until death.
Now even if the will to sleep persists
I can't 'cause a harsh cloth, it grazes my blisters.

There was a moth caught in the soapdish
laminated in lye
Will you still remember me well
If I don't get to two-o-o-five?
My dead line Gemini.

Today I fell asleep in a bath of hair.
Hair that once sprouted from my own
white wet chalk follicles.
I swallow a coal
and follow my breath
and I did it with the grapefruit soap
thinking of you.
Bathed, shaved, and oiled,
your legs are two skinny dolphins swimming
between the mattress and the layers of bedding
turning in your drug dry sleep.
When I ask you to kiss my pulse
you offer to start the shower.
I want a verb and you give me a noun.
What do you dream up while I tongue you down?

There was a moth caught in the soapdish
laminated in lye
Will you still remember me well
If I don't get to two-o-o-five?
My dead line Gemini.

You know my build.
You know my size.
The degree to which my eyes
are astigmatic.

Yest. I was feeling a little blue..after work I went home did a little laundry..read a chapter in a new book I'm reading..and then I decided to go for a run.  HOLY SHIT.  Lemme just say this..NEVER underestimate the power of a good workout.. Right around my b-day things were really busy and chaotic and therefore my usual workout routine got pused aside.  Last night after running and some crunches I felt SOO much better!  No wonder I was feeling so crappy!!?! LOL.  So yeah... I figured it out!  Kersten+excerise= Happy Girl. haha.  Today is a little better and I have a feeling that over the next few days it will only get better and better.  What the hell would I do without endorphines and a libido..hahahahahaha.  ; )

XO-

K

Most days I am fine.. in fact great..but today, I cant seem to fight it.  My loneliness pang is dancing in the comer of the room and I cant seem to ignore him or stuff him down anywhere that is out of sight.  I think today I have finally excepted the fact that I am alone.  I fight for myself and strive day in and out to make my life what I want it to be..which is fine..but here he is..dancing and reminding me of the obvious looming truth..that I do all these things solo.  I dont consider myself needy..but sometimes you just need a place to be completely honest...and to stop pretending to be strong and happy all the time..and today is that day.  I just want to be held.  I want it to be ok.  ..and I want to feel like I'm doing all this for more than myself..for some glimmer of a hopeful future... a day that I don't come home to an empty house..sleep next to an empty pillow..today I wonder if I were meant for such things.

Grad School- Contemporary Art or Furniture and Contemp. Design

1-application/fee/visit-interview

2-advisor- decide direction!!!

3- tbc...

Internship?/Forte- Medival masonry? english 1800's/contemp furniture? Contemp Art?

Dealing/Apprasial

1-Capital/loan?/collection!

2-website

3-contacts

4-warehouse-facility/accounting/partners??

Venue

1-Capital/loan/inverstors/accounting- Partner- Katie??

2-site- loan? rent or own-  goal: multiple locations??

3- zoning laws, permits, insurance

4- decor, food, liquor, equipment, games, ect.

5- art*, local bands,  contacts!!

6- bartenders, staff, janitorial, ticket sales, accounting

7- taxes?

8- schedules!!!!!

9- Promotional- marketing-website

Teaching/Art Thearapy

Painting

****In the works................its frustrating :(  grrrrrr..

I think its humorous how rebellious I can be... to a point of fault. 

Yesterday I was gone ALL freakin day at a funeral for my great uncle..this will be my second funeral in two weeks..and if that was not bad enough..last night..my grandma - my Mom's mom died..AND my Uncle who is a second father to me..I call him Poppa John- which btw..came WAY before the pizza place hahaha- was emitted to the ER like twenty minutes after my grandma died. Wtf?? He is still being tested and proded,but we will see how he is doing in a bit.  Anyways...back to my rebel without a cause syndrome.  I just think its funny that I even rebel against my own sadness.. its not that I haven't allowed myself to grieve..bc I have..I'm just sick of sadness..and I'm completely rebuking it! Yup.  I'm finished with the mourning..and the being sad bit..and the uncomfortable situations that come with.. "I'm so sorry for your loss".. and I guess its partly bc I'm so happy go lucky..but also- mostly..because I know for a fact that my grandma was a tough ass lady and she would want us to be happy that she isnt in pain...and she would want us to be happy and living life..soooooo..thats just where Im at.  Fuck sadness.  Fuck funerals.  Fuck smelly..way too cold..creepily sterile fucking hospitals..and fuck not getting any sleep.  My relatives were great people and for them.. I'm bucking the system and saying done with tears and all that comes with it. 

On another note... My birthday is in TWO DAYS!! I am sooooo excited! ..and I'm gonna have a beer for my hard-as-nails..tough love...blunt n' bitchy grandma.. you rock..and we will miss you..but don't worry..we will live on just for you..XOXO!  :)

Lovelovelove,

K

ps- I admit it... that summer that my cousins and I came to stay with you..and one of your favorite pictures broke and you whaled on Jeremy..I totally broke it and blamed it on him..LOL... I know I'm a bad kid..hahaha ;)

Ok... A few of the things that make me happy:

I will post more alittle later... ;)

->K<-

This came about today when I was in OKC with my best friend chillin at her house and watching Arrested Developement..which btw, has been one of the best shows ever..lol.  Anyways, I found this little piece of paper that contained a list.  Petra then explained to me that in high school she had made this list detailing the things she wanted in a husband/boyfriend/what-have-you.  I realize that in High School this is appropriate..and at almost 25- it pretty much isnt ;)  lol.  But... I began to think about it..and how cool would it be to have one of my own that I can one day pull out and say..look babe..its you on paper <3  ...I'm soooo corny-ps.  hahahaha...ok..so here goes... I realize of course that this is completely idealistic..but I'm in a particularly girly/romantic mood soooo..game on.

1) Light eyes

2) great funky hair

3) a man's man

4) respectful

5) a good listener

6) likes to talk

7) ambitious

8) creative

9) has a wild side

10) good teeth/sexy lips

11) muscular-but not rediculous

12) sexy forearms

13) open-minded

14) artist/musician/

15) likes to travel

16) willing to try new things with me

17) loves sex/is passionate

18) dominating in bed

19) not afraid to disagree with me

20) good with money

21) likes children

22) loves spooning

23) will go to concerts with me

24) a reader

25) intellectual

26) can make me laugh

27) will be a gentleman even after the honey moon stage

28) can cook

29) is my best friend

30) inspires me to chase my passions

31) has many strange hobbies

32) is a complete wierdo/nerd also and proud of it- like myself

33) blunt

34) confident in who he is

35) trusting and trusts me

36) loves me for who I am and knows when I am bullshitting

37) challenges me mentally

38) tall/or at least taller than me

39) sensual

40) in it for the long haul even in the tough times

41) spiritual on some level- doesnt have to be organized religion

42) will talk dirty to me- can make me blush

43) call just to tell me he's thinking of me

44) knows me well enough to know what I'm going to do before I do

45) we just click

46) loves all kinds of music and is a big feen like me

47) wants to protect me

48) holds my hand when I'm scared

49) can kiss me in the middle of an arguement

50) loves to shower with me- i LOVE taking showers lol

51) is completely random

52) somewhat sarcastic-very witty

53) values family- is close to his family

54) doesnt think its cheesy to be overly romantic ie- kiss my forehead..write a poem for me..sing to me..paint something..or watch me sleep..and likes it when I can do some of things things for him

55) "the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they are perfectly aligned"

56) optomistic

57) very social

58) will ask my Dad for permission to marry me

59) not a cheap ass

60) honest!

61) a no bullshit- bottom line kinda person

62) will dance with me

63) likes car auctions and classic cars-or will atleast go with me and not bitch the whole time

64) will play in the rain with me

65) likes play wrestling

66) loves my randomness

67) likes me with messy hair and no make-up

68) likes dark-strange things

69) --^ will like having a wedding in a gothic cathedral at dusk..or on a beach somewhere..depending on my mood..lol ;)

70) isn't obsessed with football..yuck!

71) strong work ethic

72) truely understands the meaning of four play

73) likes my weird fantasies and sexual fetishes and wants to explore them with me-and won't put me down or make me feel inscure or embarrassed about my true sexual self

74) likes to debate

75) turns me on

76) respectable in my eyes

77) likes PDA

78) likes some Anime

79)  knoweledgeable with  classic things ie- movies, novels, art, music..ect.

80) likes to learn

81) cares about impressing my parents- gets along with my Dad-likes to cookout (my Dad LOVES to grill and talk about UFOs..and tell stupid/corny jokes.. hahaha..)

82) plans ahead- considers my needs and opinions

83) has a great natural scent

84) wears cologne

85) would not be caught dead wearing A&F

86) is a bad boy to a certain extent

87) likes history

88) has a unique style-and knack for fashion

89) sexy voice

90) shaves

91) patient

92) cute laugh

93) is adorable while sleeping

94) does stupid/silly boy things like- set stuff on fire..make dry ice bombs..ect.

95) playful

96) laid back

97) not controlling

98) romantic

99) crys from time to time

100) wants to be the best man he can be for me-and wants me forever-day in and day out-bad or good-my true best friend-my true love- AFFINITY.

I may not know your name or the sound of your voice...but I know you're out there...and my heart secretly waits for you. xoxo

love and goodnight,

K

I think I have a mild case of penis envy...  Yeah. its true.

Ok, reason being..when I get off nothing "magical" happens..lol!  I mean yeah..for me- DUH..I shake and stuff..but theres no physical gratification.. If I were a guy..and I had a dick.. I would masterbate all the time..which wouldnt be that different than now..except I would masterbate bc then..I could cum and spell out my name or something hahaha..and I know what your thinkin.. "well..Kersten, you just need to learn how to be a squirter."  Umm, no.  You see.. the difference is that guys ejaculate cum and other assorted protiens lol..and squirters to this day..are a mystery dessert that even science can not fully prove..if in fact you are cumming or just pissing in the mouth of the guy snorkling in your vag.  hahahaha.. so there you have it.  I dont wanna ejaculate mystery.. I wanna cum..and I want it to be like.. TA-DA! SEE..I CAME!!!!!  lol.  K..so thats my two cents for today ;)  I should also mention..that I got a lot wasted last night with my best friend..whom is my sister..and love of my life! Soooo..basically I have what I call "second day sillys" which is when you are hung over..but without all the sickness stuff..and you laugh none stop and say random shit..and act a fool..which is my favorite..so hints.. I'm having a hell of a good day ;)  lata~

Lovies

K

***Please know that I was not trying to be hurtful..this is just me venting..and I'm sorry if I was mean..but these are my real in the moment emotions..and I'm true to those feelings..I don't know any other way to be.. so take it or leave it.

SO I'm not quite sure what it is..but I seem to attract the most trouble ridden men.  This is a serious problem for me.  We are talking about men that come to me wanting to get all serious after meeting me ONE time..AND to top it all off..they have ex girlfriend baggage still attached to them..WTF??  I mean..they are nice guys and all but this is just rediculous.. I am not a therapist.. or a sexual healer..or a pathetic rebound girl!  It really really pisses me off when I ge t a text at 9 pm saying the following: "Can I come over, I just need to be somewhere were I feel safe, and I feel safe with you"....WHAT????  are you fucking kidding me??  Please do not misunderstand me... I am very loving and supportive...VERY...but, you have to merit that kind of affection from me..and well, with this one..we have only met once..and more importantly.. I AM NOT THE MAN.. what is that??  Can you come over and cry on my shoulder about your crazy ex girlfriend that wont leave you alone...NO!  We just met..which means that if you REALLY liked me..you would give two fucking shits about that girl and you would be holding ME and comforting ME..because guess what???  I"M THE FUCKING GIRL DUMMY!! UGGHHHH.....oh, and here is another example... Are men slowly wuzz-a-fying over time???  Or is it just me?  I went to see The Strangers yest... and at one point in the movie..the deranged killers are secs from mutilating them and the guys is fumbling with this shot gun..and the GF says.. "I thought you and your Dad went hunting all the time back in college"... and He says.. "Oh..thats just something I told you.. I don't even know how to shoot this thing..."  ..wha..what?!!!!!!!!  <--- I was pissed instantly.. You're a guy.. know how to shoot a fucking gun!!  Did not ever occur to him..hhhmmmmm.....A lot of evil shit goes on everyday.. I wanna get married to this girl..hhmmmm...maybe I should know the basics in how to protect her?? I GUESS NOT.  This is the fucking issue!  And it seems to have carried from my ex onto the last three guys that I have dated.   BE A MAN!  MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THE GENTLER SEX!  Is it that hard?? I mean, I do my part!  I cry sometimes..I am terrified of even the smallest spider... There is nothing in the world that I love more than spooning naked and fitting perfectly into that nook that you men have..I wear Very Sexy by VS.. I dress up..I wear sexy heels.. I love being dominated during sex... I love to go shopping.. and be romanced with candle lite and flowers..  UGHH.. I dunno I just dont get it.  I am perfectly happy being single and bc of this..I just can't comprehend these guys that just throw themselves at me...all broken and looking for me to somehow mend them.  I feel bad, but at the same time.. I have to consider my own feelings, wants, and desires. 

I know..with out any doubts that I deserve someone that will do these things..naturally, because thats who they are...and I know that I deserve someone that doesnt have their eyes looking behind them because they are so taken with me.  If I put my heart out there it will be only for the man that is deserving..and willing to be the best man he can be for me.  I don't ask for too much.. just a friend, a person that can and wants to make me feel safe- I mean doesnt that whole protecting you thing validate the male gender??  Or at least that is what I had thought..- a REAL man that yes I can support..but can also support me when I am in need.  Gentlemen: dominance, confidence, chivalary.. are a great thing..and a HUGE turn on.. learn it.  Pretty Please...bc this "please fix me Mommy" thing is just exhausting and is making me begin to think that there are no such thing as "manly men" anymore.  ;)   Are you out there??  LOL.

~K